I Don't Wanna Be a Homosexual

Spoken Intro:
Have you met any nice boys in the salon?
They're all pretty nice.
I mean any nice *queer* boys - do you fool with any of 'em?
Aunt Audie, you know I dig women.
Awwwww, don't tell me that.
Christ, let's not go through this again...
All those beauticians and you don't have any *boy* dates.
I don't *want* any boy dates.
Oh honey, I'd be so happy if you'd turn nally.
Ain't no way. I'm straight. I mean, I like a lot of queers, but I don't dig their equipment, you know - I like women.
But you could change. Queers are just better. I'd be so proud if you was a fag and had a nice beautician's boyfriend. I'd never have to worry.
There ain't nothin' to worry about.
I worry that you'll work in an office, have children, celebrate wedding anniversaries - the world of heterosexual is a sick and boring life.
Sometimes I think you're fuckin' crazy - I'm real happy, just the way I am.

People are telling me that I'm missing out on the fun
'Cause I don't go anywhere, and I don't meet anyone
But I know how rumors fly when you're a lonely guy
And I'm here to tell you it's a lie

There's strange things going on at night most everywhere
You know those places well, and you've never seen me there
I walk by other men and I don't notice them
But then those rumors start again

So I'm gonna tell the world
I don't wanna be a homosexual
I'm gonna find a girl
'Cause I don't wanna be a homosexual
I guess that it's okay if other guys are gay
But my hormones are one-directional
And I don't wanna be a homosexual

Somebody tell me what I did to start this talk
Is it the way I look, is it the way I walk?
Is it the clothes I wear that make the people stare?
Is it the way I comb my hair?

I'm only hoping maybe there will come a day
When I can make them understand that I'm not gay
But till that day is here, I guess I'll live in fear
And I curse the day I pierced my ear

There's nothing wrong with me
I don't wanna be a homosexual
Know what I want to be
And I don't wanna be a homosexual
Soft boys and closet queens think Judy Garland's keen
But I don't think she's nothing special
And I don't wanna be a homosexual

So now I'm wondering if maybe they're not right
I've gone all paranoid and I can't sleep at night
I went to see the shrink
What did the doctor think?
I swear to God I saw him wink

I pray to God I'm wrong
I don't wanna be a homosexual
Why did I write this song
If I don't wanna be a homosexual?
I hope it's not too late for them to set me straight
I gotta see a real professional
'Cause I don't wanna be a homosexual, no!
No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be a homosexual

I don't wanna to go with guys named Shamus
I don't wanna be rich and famous
I don't wanna go to a French art festival
I don't wanna be a homosexual